How do you know when it’s just a rough patch vs time to end a romantic relationship? I know it’s quite personal and varies by relationship, so I’m more interested in folks’ experiences than in a general rule or standard. (Although if you do have a rule of thumb to share, would love to hear it too.)
Note: I’m not speaking of abusive situations, but of relationships with ordinary troubles.
This may sound overly rational or perhaps even cold, but I think that all relationships are fundamentally about exchanges of value. Ideally, each person derives more value than the expend from engaging in a relationship. When I say value, I’m talking about psycho-emotional value; do you enjoy engaging in this relationship, does this relationship make you feel a way about your self that you want to feel, etc. In my mind, it is healthy for relationships to end when one or all of the participants are losing net value. Now, this being said, I think that many people would read this as advising against sticking around through tough patches etc., and that is not my intention. Putting in the work to develop your relationships, though often difficult and unpleasant, often provides positive value in the long term, as you strengthen your relationships and are able to provide and derive more value from each other.
However, if you can look at a given relationship and realize “I don’t think I’ve been getting enough value from this relationship to make it worth what I’m spending in time, emotions, energy, etc., and I don’t see how that is going to change any time soon” it may be time to move on. Remember too that this does not need to be a permanent end. Two people can realize that they’re not at points in their lives right now where they’re able to help each other, and later in their lives come together again now that they can.
If there are irreconcilable differences that were established by healthy boundaries. Every couple has disagreements. Overstepping boundaries without resolving the issue will eventually lead to pretty negative feelings like resentment.
Relationships require actively working at them. If anyone loses the motivation to contribute then it is probably time to move on. It really comes down to resolving the reason the person has lost their motivation. If it was just infatuation or addiction there is not much substance for cohesion in the first place.
I think it comes down to, are you done?
Every relationship has rough patches, but there’s a lot to consider: is it a recurring issue, are you both willing to talk it out and change behaviours, is there still the willingness to trust and give the benefit of the doubt, etc.
Everyone has to make their own decision as to how much energy they’re willing to put into a relationship. If there are just too many incompatible points, and things aren’t getting better, it might be time to call it quits.
On the other hand, if the love and respect is still there, and you’re still willing to put in the work… it could be good!
Good food for thought. For me, these are recurring issues that’ve been ongoing for a few years with limited progress, because my partner is very avoidant and has also been going through seemingly endless personal difficulties. But at the same time, they’re very good-hearted and loyal, and I’ve trusted in that enough to believe we can prevail. Earlier this year, it’s like all the accumulated issues finally hit me in the face and I realized that although we care deeply for each other, the romantic element is gone for me. We’re in couples counselling currently to try to work through things, but it was only when I hit my breaking point that my partner decided to really be present and take the initiative to work on what I’d been begging for for two years. That stings. In couples therapy this week, I did say, “I really feel like I’m done, but I’m also not sure if I fully mean that.” I guess I do have my answer, to some degree.
Sometimes things get better and sometimes they don’t, but there are times where you’re not ready to leave a relationship, and that’s okay
I’m an overthinker, so I refer back to some random proverb about always thinking things through twice, because otherwise I end up thinking about the decision 3, 4, 317 times. So I encourage you to think it through in two different occasions, just keeping in mind ‘I’m not ready to make this decision’ and ‘I’m not ready to leave this relationship right now’ are just as valid as ‘yes’ or ‘no’
Really helpful, thanks! I’m a chronic overthinker as well and it can result in decision paralysis.
When you know you will just know. Trust me. Just ended my 10 year relationship. It sucks. I just knew it was time for me to go. When you’ve both stopped trying. There is no emotional or physical connection or intimacy. You have differing goals in life. There is constant conflict or abuse in the relationship. Lack of communication, etc. I can go on and on. You’ll know.
It’s true. When I posted this I was basically at that point, but it still took me a few months to pull the plug. I ended up leaving my partner of 5 years towards the end of 2023 and it was absolutely the right call. It’s made my daily life more challenging in some respects, but the peace of mind that came from not needing to deliberate anymore was SO worth it.
