May of 2012. I wasn’t certain I should propose. I did it, she said yes. We’ve been married 10 years and are beginning the process of divorce. We have two young boys together. If I could take it all back and spare the hurt, both before, and after, I would
Fuck, that’s exactly when we started talking about our marriage (and I was already well accomplished in ignoring red flags), and that is exactly what I would like to reverse. Actually, I want to go back even further and spare us both the fate of meeting each other.
I’m sorry and I had thought that too. I’m my case, I also ignored red flags. I also ignored that I’d tried several times to end it, but listened to counsel of others who convinced me to tough it out and try to work on things. I thought man I’m killing it!
We had our first post marriage blow up in an uncomfortable loud shouting match at our fancy Maui luau.
“We can keep trying”
Even now, while we’re trying to work out her plan to leave, and how to tell our 6 year old that we hope that just before his birthday the apartment will become available. The current estimate says 3 days before.
Imagine being 6, at a "party"surrounded by your friends, and how it will feel that your parents both want to be there, and also don’t want to both be there when you get home.
But our current situation creates fights. Neither Mom or Dad are getting what they need from each other. I can’t help but feel it’s a selfish attitude and choice - but it also isn’t
If only I’d been more selfish earlier I could’ve avoided it all
That sucks, man. I hate that kids grow up watching us be assholes to each other and internalizing that. My wife grew up in a macho alpha male house, where her father held absolute control by whatever means. Her mother always made excuses for her father, so my wife grew up glorifying that anger and outbursts (physical, verbal, and psychological). I had glimpses of those outbursts from her once we started getting close, but I always gaslit myself and tried to ‘be better’, because I have an undiagnosed ADHD (which she doesn’t believe in).
Things took a dramatic turn after our marriage when we moved to the US on my work visa. She hated the country and the lifestyle change and wanted to go back, I wanted to stay, and she started getting more and more abusive. After 2 years, when I finally realized we should split, she got pregnant, and here we are. I hate to think of all the emotional trauma we caused/cause our kid, but if we divorce now, she would take my kid back home, and I would either have to quit my life here and start from scratch there, or not be able to be part of my 8yos life, so I guess we continue destroying all three lives for as long as we can.
I’m so sorry that sounds really hard.
I think the best thing we can do is remember we’re not “the problem” but instead we are whole persons who have our own valid feelings, beliefs and values.
Good luck however it goes for you - you can heal in time and with effort, and the best thing one can do is to always let our kids know, see, and feel, that we love them
The obvious answer to me seems set the save spot shortly after birth. Relive and try all the possible permutations over and over again, groundhogging lives until everything is good enough to say “yeah, that was good, let’s leave it there.”
2006, I changed my rate (specialty, MOS) in the service to one that I hated but thought would help me advance, it didn’t and I left 1 year later. If I hadn’t changed I probably would have stayed in and been retired by now.
That sucks. You did what you thought would be good for you at that point.
In games, you keep all your knowledge about things that happen after that point. Is this true in the case too?
You start with the knowledge, but it starts fading, and completely fades away after a week or three. It’s up to you to store it somewhere and make use of it. After a month you wouldn’t even remember you reloaded. Now give me your answer in exactly 100 words.
Again, essentially the same question, does the person know about this fading? So much hinges on this question. The answer would be completely different.
You’d know for the first few hours, then as the fading progresses, you’ll start convincing yourself that was some dream you had last night. Little by little you’ll forget everything about the dream over the next weeks.
Nothing would change then. I do not change my life based on a dream.
I don’t know about that. Sometimes dreams can be life-changing.
Seems like a great method of winning the lottery. I’d find a recent drawing (no huge regrets to undo), memorize the numbers and date, go back, buy the ticket, set for life.
If that’s not in the spirit of the question, I guess I could change my college major. The one I got hasn’t been very useful. Though, if I did that, I probably wouldn’t meet many of the people in my life today. I wouldn’t choose to do this for that reason.
I could also refrain from telling a certain flame I loved her. That caused a rift.
Awesome answer! 99/100 (one word short of 100). A very level headed answer, and good for you for not having any major regrets.