I’ve been dealing with my 85 year old uncle who recent fell and broke his hip again. I’ve learned the following:

1. Physical exercise is important! My uncle could barely walk before, which is probably why he fell. While he was in the hospital he physically could not sit up on his own (no upper body strength) and now cant lift himself into/out of his wheelchair. I’ve decided to start working out more and focus on strength.

2. Listen to your doctors!! After he broke his hip the first time, he refused to do physical therapy and would not use his cane. It’s obvious that both of these things would have helped prevent him from falling the second time.

3. Be kind to the people around you! My uncle is narcissistic and insults friends/family when he gets comfortable with them. This meant that for most of his stay in the hospital, I was the only person who visited.

As someone who cares for elderly people sometimes, please please fill out an advanced directive (not just a living will). It’s a sort of “if this, then that” for health scenarios. It’s immensely helpful when when caring for someone not well, and can be much more stressful without one. I have had dying, incapacitated patients wait weeks for guardianship or POA-HC to be processed before care can be changed to comfort measures, because they did not have one on file.

Get one from the hospital you would likely go to, fill it out, give them a copy, keep a copy, and give a copy to who you list as a decision-maker. You do not want to add the stress of logistics to an emotionally difficult time.

I think as a society we should embrace death more. Pretending it doesn’t happen just makes things worse when that reality of mortality unwaveringly stares you in the face.

Stay active. It really is “use it or lose it” with physical and mental abilities.

My aunt and uncle are both 90. My uncle has always used a treadmill or standing desk for his computer and pulls long hours in front of it still doing pro bono legal work even though he’s been “retired” for several decades. He walks to the grocery store and carries the groceries home. He walks barefoot around the block every morning and has a body weight fitness routine he does every other day. He’s doing just fine, his brain wheels turn a little slower but they work just as well as ever.

My aunt got very sedentary around age 75. Her mother developed dementia around that age and she just sort of settled in and waited for it to come. Maybe it is hereditary and there was no point in doing anything else, maybe not. She’s wheelchair bound now, just from lack of strength, not really any medical issue. She can take a few supported steps to transfer, but that’s it. Her short term memory is gone, I go have lunch with her twice a week and she knows who I am, but as I’m leaving she’ll say she’s sorry we couldn’t have had lunch while I was there and it’s a shame I can’t visit more often. It’s not really out of bounds for 90, but I’d rather take my uncles route than hers.

My mums been in hospital for 10 weeks. She only 62 and was admitted for a fairly routine infection after chemo for breast cancer. Since she’s been in hospital I’ve lost count of all the things that have gone wrong but the most distressing thing is the hospital delirium she’s developed. I’d never have believed my mum could become so violent and abusive, it’s like she’s a completely different person. She has absolutely no agency over her body at the moment, she can’t even sit up unaided. It’s so horribly undignified that it’s completely cemented my decision to commit suicide once I get a terminal diagnosis (or a diagnosis that I know I couldn’t deal with graciously). I can’t have children so it’s a small comfort that I won’t inflict the pain and heartbreak I’m experiencing from my mum, but I don’t ever want to treat my partner how she’s treating my dad. I’m going out on my own terms if at all possible.