Men get so many mixed messages in today’s society, from being called toxic to being pushed to be top dog (or else you’re a loser). There are lots of expectations put on men, and various ways men rebel against those.
What can be done to address society’s negative views of men and masculinity? And how can we formulate what healthy masculinity looks like, so we can teach that to our boys?
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What does healthy masculinity even look like?
Men used to have a role as breadwinner. That gave us a purpose and dignity: it doesn’t matter what job you have, so long as you provide for your family. Success was providing.
The default role is gone, and I think that’s for the best. But there’s no clear path to relevance for men now. So some men and boys look for other sources of purpose and validation: are they attractive to women? Do they have the right brands? Are they angry at the right people?
When I was growing up, my dad pushed me to be the best at something. The thing didn’t really matter, nor did being the best, but the effort did. I needed to focus and apply myself. That gave me direction, and it helped me achieve academically. That, in turn, helped me find a purpose as an adult.
So here it is, sbv’s recipe for healthy masculinity: try. Choose what you’re going to do, and then try as hard as you fucking can. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, understand what didn’t work and move on to the next thing. But keep trying.
(I think there’s a bunch of other stuff around empathy and helping others succeed, but it’s hard to find self actualization in others - I think that comes as one of the results of trying)
I agree with your solution: be good at something. That is key to valuing yourself.
But I disagree with “the default role is gone”. What I see is that men are still expected to be the main breadwinners and providers. It’s just that that role is no longer as respected as it once was. It’s a silent “minimum” that’s expected of men, and we’d better not complain about it.
People may say that men no longer need to be breadwinners and providers, but in practice men who aren’t are looked down upon and have trouble finding a partner.
Man, who cares. It’s not about masculinity or feminity.
Just be yourself and be kind to others. That’s all that matters.
You’re enough.
We care. Because there is a lot of negative messaging about men, and young men especially get distorted ideas because of that. As an educator that’s important to me.
