Hello, this is gonna be a long one.
My Gf and I broke up over our long term goals in our life. I grew up on a kinda farm and always told her that I see my future on the farm (not working as a farmer, but its the place I grew up on and it was always my plan to live there). I told her really early on, like 6 1/2 years ago, while she was never as exited for it as me, it never seemed to be a problem for her, she rides horse for a hobby and we had often talked about how we someday have the horse standing on the farm and maybe keep some chickens. My Gf was 19 when we got together (I was the only Partner she had in her adult live) and I was 23 when we got together, now she is 26 and I am 30.
Fast forward to like 6 months ago, we start to make plans for the house (we have to tear one down so we can build a new one). She starts to worry about how, now that it comes closer and closer, doesnt want to live on that farm.
3 Weeks ago she told me she cant imagine herself to be happy on the farm, I dont want to leave the farm behind, we couldnt find a compromise and broke up. We lived in a small apartment in a city. I decide to live at my parents on the farm and she keeps the apartment. We decide we want to try and stay friends, since theres no problem between us, only our life goals ( she dont really know what she wants in her future) I help her numerous times in the apartment, sell her my car for a very moderate price (condition was she does all the paperwork so I have time to move in with all my stuff at my parents but I do a last service on the car, because im a car mechanic, she offered to pay me but I declined). That all was 3 to 2 weeks ago. One week ago I hear rumors that she has a new guy, but you get easily paranoid about that stuff after a breakup, so I wait, but more and more details emerge.
Yesterday I confronted her, she admits everything, we both stay pretty calm but cry a lot, she says that this was a giant mistake, she swears there was nothing goin on when we were still together and I believe her on that.
Yesterday evening we wrote another, I wrote her how much she hurt me by hooking up with another guy after 2 weeks whe I tried to help her with the apartment and car and that I cannot see her again because Istill have feelings for her. She wrote me that she understands she fucked up big time and hates herself for hurting me but still loves me, how I always was her best friend and perfect partner for her and that she understands how dissapointed I am and that it was probably the bigges error she ever did.
Today in the morning she calls and asks if we can meet up and talk and I accept that. We talk and we finally talk about why we broke up in the first place, and both understand that we both misunderstood ourself in a lot of ways about living on the farm.
Now I would have easily taken her back if it was just that, but she slept with that guy only 2 weeks after we broke up and that really really hurt. I know she was hurt and desperate and confused about what she wanted, but damn, 2 weeks after 7 years relationship! You are an adult and your actions have consequences.
Some hours ago she asked if we can talk again on Monday, I said “Yes, we can, but you have to end whatever it is you have with that new guy, but even then, I dont know if I can forgive you”
What are you opinions here? I know I still have feelings for her, and I know she has feelings for me, but what she did was really shitty, especially when I helped her and behind my back she was probably already fucking her new guy.
I really dont know what to do, I mean, in my heart I want her back, but my brain remembers what she did to me.
I’ve been in a similar situation. 10 years but we could never agree on kids. I think there are a couple things you need to figure out before you decide what to do.
First is deciding if you can get past the jealousy. Despite understanding why her being with someone else is hard to get over and can hurt, it really isn’t her job to placate your romantic feelings anymore. You were both really young when you started dating, and you both didn’t get a lot of time to see what’s out there and really know what you need in life. It’s the time in life when you’re having the world open up and you see the clock ticking. During this more options were closing, she was having to decide to disconnect with other people and the experiences populated areas bring. For you two to work again, you have to drop all the jealousy and it can’t be held against her. Some couples recover from this situation because they learned that after exploring, they still want to be together. She didn’t cheat, she explored when given the opportunity at a time she was also trying to figure things out. She probably felt alone, and nervous about what to do next in life. If you don’t need exploring yourself, you then need to think about the next big issue.
Having different life goals is huge. In my relationship, we decided those goals could never line up and that we shouldn’t stay together even though we still loved each other. It was hard, but there are plenty of other people in my life I love and there was no need to force a romantic situation if it made either of us disappointed with our futures. We didn’t need to trap each other there. If you don’t find a reasonable compromise that you’re both ok with now, you’re not going to magically find one if you get back together.
Being alone sucks, but it’s temporary. You’re still young enough for dating to not be a complete nightmare, so you both don’t have to base a relationship on being lonely. I’m a bit older than you and I ended up finding someone who fits my life goals. She’s basically the partner I would create if I had the option. I would’ve lost that and continued an unhealthy relationship if my previous relationship picked back up, and that would’ve been bad for both of us. If you love this girl, you should also want what’s best for her too. If you two don’t match up, and if the sacrifices are too large, it seems to make the most sense to keep separated. If you both are still in love to the point where you’re able to make big sacrifices for each other, and understand and forgive what was done in the interim, then maybe it’s worth further conversation. No one here will know what’s best for you two, so be open for communication and finding out your hard boundaries and deciding what that means long term for your relationship.
Good luck, it is definitely a difficult situation.