Edit: I tried to post to an asklemmy community, but obviously didn’t pay attention. The answer to my question is suspender clip.

I need help finding a product I know exists, but I don’t know how to search for it. I need two clamps that each can be attached to strapping on the back side. On the business side, there are two jaws with jagged teeth (to grab onto fabric) and a third “jaw” clamp the whole thing down. I’ve seen these things before, they’re about 1.5"x2", and I’ve always seen them in stainless or brushed metal finish.

If you want the salacious details… I had to enlist the help of my neighbor in getting me out of my Renaissance Faire dress, and don’t want to repeat the experience. Two clamps, some strapping and a door knob should avoid future embarrassment.